The Frustrations of An Autistic Person
I know it’s been a while since I have written anything and that’s because it’s been a really frustrating ride and my depression over my situation with Liam because it seems like people don’t realize as an Autistic person, I am tired of going through this. Now I’m not mad at Liam but there’s just a lot to unpack that not just him, but a lot of the world expects out of people who are Autistic that gets way too much at times or gets tiring to deal with.
Acting Like Things Are Fine One Minute Then a Problem the Next
Now Liam’s not the first person to do this to me but it’s quite a frustrating thing to deal with as an Autistic person. It gets old having people telling you things are fine one minute then turning around and all of a sudden things are a problem. It’s like why can’t people just talk things out like grown adults. If you approach an Autistic person with a problem and aren’t being rude to them or talk down to them like they are a child, you’re going to be able to work out a compromise with them that benefits both of you. Take me and Liam for example, if he had come to me and told me that me constantly messaging him was a problem by saying something along the lines of “Hey, I know you don’t mean to but you’re constantly messaging me is becoming an issue, is there a way we can work out a compromise that’ll work for both of us?” that would have gotten a better response out of me than pretending things are fine and then all of a sudden a problem the next and then just ending our alpha-pup relationship because of his lack of communication. And again, he’s not the first person to do this with me, it’s just the most recent example I can give.
Not Allowed To Have Self-Respect Without Being Punished
Another issue we who are Autistic have to face is not being allowed to have self-respect and being punished for it. Take for example mine and Liam’s biggest issue, which is him constantly slandering me over his relationship even though he’s doing things he shouldn’t where I’m concerned, like him making sexual advances at me while he’s married and trying to force me to be friends with his husband and approve of a relationship he’s slandered me over numerous times. Now the frustration with a situation like this is I didn’t have to continue to love, care or want to be his pup after this. I could have turned on him and told him to go eff himself but I didn’t because I stilled cared about him and believed he was better than that. But the thing is I had to keep a lot buried inside like how much it hurts me him saying he’s happy when he’s hurt me like this over a relationship, it’s like me having any morals or self-respect is a problem for people and people expect me to sell my self-respect and compromise all that but I shouldn’t be punished for it either by losing him.
The truth is Liam means a great deal to me and our alpha-pup relationship was the first time I have felt safe in a very long time and I don’t want to give that up but I don’t see how me not wanting any part of his relationship was a problem. I didn’t force him to lie on me numerous times over his relationship, he falsely accused me of trying to stop him from being happy when in fact I was taking other people’s advice and trying to look out for him to fabricating things I told him in confidence and blasting them on Facebook to falsely accusing me of trying to extort money out of him. These are all lies he has told on me over the internet because I didn’t want to believe Liam was making all these choices on his own, that this was all his doing, I didn’t want to believe that he was actually being like this and wasn’t being influenced to. The reason for this was for my own heart because it would kill me to think otherwise of the person I grew to care so deeply for the day I saw him hurting in a live crying his eyes out could actually be like this. I didn’t want to believe someone who could be that vulnerable online could do such atrocious things without someone influencing them.
But in the end what is frustrating is even despite all this, I still love and care about him and I still want to be his pup, despite all the pain and suffering and it means nothing and he wants me to be happy but that won’t ever be because he’s no longer my alpha.
This whole situation is frustrating because I fear being honest about the whole thing and telling it like it is because I don’t want to lose Liam and be hurt when I just want to be his pup and be happy, I just don’t want any involvement in his relationship when he’s constantly hurt me over it and lied on me numerous times and just couldn’t have conversations with me to fix problems like grown adults but I have to suffer cause of all this, I have to be without him as my alpha for what? Having respect for myself and his lack of communication? This is the frustration with being Autistic a lot of people don’t seem to see or realize and instead of listening to us as to how this kind of stuff is problematic, no one cares about the pain and suffering we who are Autistic have to endure, make us insane and tell us to just continue to put up with stuff like this and it’s like “Is it any wonder many of us who are Autistic suffer from such severe depression and don’t live as long?”
It’s frustrating how people don’t see the world is why this happens, people are conditioned to believe that the person who has a mental disorder, especially those who are Autistic, are just suppose to be fixed and constantly conform to society and yet the conforming cannot go both ways. It’s like who wouldn’t be depressed if they had to constantly mask and be someone they aren’t just to make others happy while in turn making themselves miserable? But no one wants to listen to those who are Autistic when we tell them how to function with us cause the psychological therapists aren’t going to do it. It always falls on the Autistic person to do so and when we do it gets weaponized against us by being told we are using our disorder as an excuse or people have this stereotype of how Autistic people should be when each and every person with Autism is completely different and the spectrums are in various places and so they compare one Autistic person to the other and that’s just plain ignorant.
It’s not ever about listening to the Autistic person and asking them how they can function. Take mine and Liam’s problems, I just want to be his pup, I just don’t want anything to do with his relationship because it feels like I’m approving of him slandering me constantly over it, he wants to be in that relationship, fine, then keep me out of it, that’s me respecting what he wants but the respect has to go both ways and if there’s problems we talk them out and work them out like adults. Instead I have to lose everything that makes me happy and be okay with it when deep down I’m not and I’m so tired of having to constantly mask that when I just want to be happy and my happiness lies on being his pup and I’m made out to be this insane person I’m not for being tired of putting up with this kind of abuse over and over and over again and constantly being told to just let it go and move on, to be the bigger person and suck it up when deep down I’m dying inside every damn day due to how tiresome it is getting to always be told to conform to this shit and take the pain and it doesn’t get better and feeling like I’m drowning when deep inside I am screaming “ALL I WANT IS TO JUST BE HIS PUP!”
I fear putting this article out because I don’t want to fight with Liam and that’s not the point of this article, the point is simply to help people understand the frustrations we who are Autistic have to put up with on a daily basis thanks to stigma and stereotyping that psychologist have caused us who are Autistic to be put through and honestly it feels like we were intentionally set up to fail from the beginning half the times with getting this diagnosis cause no one wants to see that you just need to listen to the Autistic person and work with them and everyone is happy but instead it’s just a constant battle to get any respect or have self-respect as an Autistic person.