Just A Rant

You know some days I feel like all I am on this Earth for is to be walked on.

I’ve mentioned before about Shawn and even my issues with a friend in the UK, but in the back of my mind I ask “I don’t do anything wrong, why don’t things change?”

The only one changing is me and the way I go about things cause I see how bad things are and try to keep myself from being that way. Take for example my situation with my friend in the UK, he lied on me to be in a relationship with the guy he’s currently with and I’m probably not ever going to approve of his relationship with the guy on that alone, not if I have any self-respect at all (I’ll get to that later). And it makes me feel like if that’s what it takes to be in a relationship these days, you have to lie on someone who was just trying to look out for you, then I’d rather not be in a relationship with anyone cause that’s just not okay nor does it make relationships look worthwhile to have if that’s how you have to go about things.

I don’t like that my own morals, things I was raised are wrong. I was always raised that if I did something bad I’d get punished for it, yet these days people like Shawn can even get away with scamming and conning people.

Honestly, it just feels like I can’t have any respect for myself at times or even allowed to care about others, it’s like no matter what I do, I’m always the villain and I hate it. I feel like I’m only here to be walked on.

Take today for instance, I felt for the past few days my friend in the UK has been ignoring me or that I’ve done something wrong, I get he has a life with the guy he’s with and other people, but half the times out of respect for his decision to be in the relationship he lied on me to be in, I just pretend he’s not in it so I don’t say anything about it at all cause he pretty much told me to accept he’s in it or I couldn’t be in his life. When he said that, I should have walked but I didn’t, he pretty much told me our relationship meant nothing to him at that point. Course his lying on me and continuation to be int he relationship also says the same, but who can honestly sit here and tell me I’m wrong for hoping things change? But any who, I say something to him cause I end up dreaming about it and instead of saying that’s not the case he goes at me about what I just mentioned and says “you need to respect my life as you can’t start howling at me after a day of not replying back to you, you have to respect those boundaries.” First and foremost I told him I had a dream and that’s why I was saying something, had nothing to do with him being at the a movie theater. Had to do with a dream and that he didn’t even read my messages that I had left him but was on his Facebook but I had been asleep at the time he was on and my messages had been from the night before, yet here we go with me having a dream and somehow I’m the bad guy and he’s back to trying to force me to accept a relationship he lied on me to be in. But me wanting some respect and not ignored is wrong. Okay than…

Course my luck, with Shawn, my last relationship, the same thing will happen with this person, I’ll stand my ground out of respect for myself and I’ll be the one hurting in the end. It’s always like that. And I’m sitting there more damaged and beating myself up cause I can not win. Maybe I’m wrong with this one, but my life has constantly proven otherwise, and with society’s lack of care for moral right.

I mean honestly, who cares if Shawn abandoning me did me more harm than good? Who cares that every day my best friend is with this guy is a huge slap in my face and normalizing lying on people to get what you want? Who cares that the more I see or have done to me, the more I fear I’m gonna end up alone and with no one there when it’s my time to leave this Earth.

And honestly, that’s what frightens me the most, dying alone, but I have to do what’s mentally best for myself in a world that can’t seem to realize how much it’s normalizing half the behaviors we see going on.

The worst part is is when you try and get people to understand that losing a certain person is gonna do you more harm than good, they don’t listen all they say you can’t force people to do things, which is nothing but a damn lie. You can force people to do the wrong thing all the time, whether it’s by gun point or just silencing the person or just not listening when the person is trying to tell you what exactly they want.

Take for instance Shawn, I’d not make such a big deal out of what he’s done if he’d do the right thing and just keep his word about us dating, that’s all I wanted out of Shawn, a chance to actually physically be with him and love him. But no, me wanting to love him is a freaking crime. Honestly, making love wrong, I don’t care what it is, that’s just no better than being homophobic.

And speaking of homophobes, the only reason they make love between two men wrong is cause they can’t see past the sex, there’s a major difference between love and sex. They aren’t the same thing. You love your family but you don’t sleep with them but it’s still love for example, why love and sex go hand in hand I will not ever understand so many people are more promiscuous that they just love sex, not the actual people, but god forbid two men love each other, we gays get more condemned than adulterers do.

But back to Shawn, I just don’t get it, I’m the evil bastard for wanting to love him? What the heck people? And what makes what he’s done okay? Promising me that and for four years conning me out of over $500? And people can SAY it’s not okay all they want, the fact he’s not been held accountable and hasn’t done what’s right says otherwise. Jesus Christ, can’t he even come out of hiding and running from me and say he’s sorry for conning me out of all that money and not keeping his word and MEAN IT by showing it?

I’m sorry but I’ve gotten to the point in my life where just saying “Sorry.” isn’t enough, your actions have to prove that you’re sorry too. And what I mean is Shawn has to stop running and deal with what he’s done, quit cutting me off and crap, cause no matter what he’s done wrong, I still love him for saving my life when I met him and just want him in my life. Would I like an actual relationship with him? Yes! That’d be great if he’d give me that actual chance but he can’t just say he may and not ever do it, that’s just not right, and if things didn’t work out, I’d rather us part as friends and still be in each others lives than what we are now. Course at this point I’d rather he just say he’s sorry for what he’s done and stay in my life and be there for me. But who cares if that’s what I want?

Or take my friend in the UK, I just want the respect of that I won’t ever approve of his relationship with the guy cause he lied on me when he started the relationship and not only that he didn’t ever correct people by saying what actually happened and that it had nothing to do with me being jealous but it had to do with him being my friend and I was trying to look out for him and his stunt got me accused of being a stalker not long after we made up. I’M THE STALKER!? What the heck?! Would it be cool if me and him could be friends with benefits? Meh, I could give or take on that, wouldn’t say no or at least I’m open to leaving the option open, truth be told as long as a relationship doesn’t stem out of it cause after all this and Shawn on top of it, I honestly could careless for relationship anymore cause all this hassle, it’s just not worth it to me anymore. But honestly, all I want is for him to not try and force me to have no self-respect and approve of a relationship that I was lied on because of. I also just don’t want to be ignored by him. I’m not saying he can’t have a life but for frack sake just take a few minutes to eventually reply to me instead of just flat out ignoring me and showing it by being on his social media. Jesus, can be busy and check his social media, he can check my flipping text and reply when he can, all I’m asking of him.

But no one cares about what I want, it’s always about letting people do what they want, even if it is wrong or can seriously hurt someone like it does me. Honestly, I just want security in my life, to know that I’ll have someone who’s always gonna be there for me, doesn’t have to be a relationship cause honestly like I said after what my friend in the UK did and Shawn, a relationship just no longer interests me.

Speaking of my friend in the UK, the thing he said that hurt the most was that he wouldn’t listen to me about his relationship cause of my feelings for him. Like my feelings forced him to lie on me and weaponize them against me to cover for him setting up his ex and what his boyfriend did when none of us knew what he was doing. I was always raised, no matter what wrong someone does you don’t wrong them back. His boyfriend allowing him to be lied on wasn’t right, not telling him about him being stalked wasn’t right and my concerns that his boyfriend didn’t care about him cause his actions showed then he doesn’t care about him and I still question him even now cause it’s like “What’s this guy really after?” But no my feelings forced all that to happen and that’s why he won’t listen to me. Talk about a bunch of bull.

I’m not saying any of this cause I want pity or anything, I could careless for that but this is what’s being normalized all the time, everyday. Is it any wonder I have so many issues? You can’t heal from half of what I’ve been through since I was 3 years old constantly going through things nor are you going to be okay. You’re going to want things to change cause it’s like “God why do we allow all this?”

It’s like this saying by Angela Davis here. I’m not saying all this cause I want pity. I want change, I can’t accept these things as normal and part of life and something we have to put up with. It does too much damage and only makes things worse for me. And I’m probably not the only one who feels that way. Who gets tired of our world not changing and people just doing whatever they want and no consequences whatsoever and no one making things right.

It gets old and I really am tired of it. At this point whether it is Shawn or my friend in the UK, I just want for once for someone to do the right thing and to make things right instead of me being forced to always compromise myself for people just to make others happy. I’m sick of living that life. It’s all I’ve done and I want to change that but getting people to understand that is like talking to a brick wall over and over again cause society has become so comfortable with letting people just do whatever they want, even if it’s wrong and fuck who gets hurt in the process.

I’m just so freaking tired of it.