In My Mind

Something that keeps going through my mind is how I have spent my entire life since I was 14 years old and got diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome compromising myself to appease others just so I could have friends.

And the sad things is even in my adulthood I have still been making this mistake. Like with my friend Liam in the UK, instead of telling him it hurts me he’s in that relationship that he lied on me over and has abused me the entire time he’s been in the relationship, I’ve sat there keeping my mouth shut, being depressed day in and day out, feeling disappointment that he wasn’t still my alpha or didn’t ask me to be his pup again. I was sitting there depressing myself out of hope for a guy who had no care for me even though he claimed he did when if he really did care than why is he in that relationship where he’s done nothing but abuse one of his friends since he started the relationship? I mean really who morally sits there says they are sorry that they lied on you over a relationship and sits there and stays in the relationship they lied on you over to begin with? Where is that showing care for me? Where is that showing he’s sorry? To me that doesn’t show you’re sorry, that shows you just don’t care cause you don’t feel any moral obligation towards a friend to end a relationship that you lied on someone over. Not only that but to sit there and pressure me to have no self respect and accept a relationship he lied on me over, dropped me as his pup and before that has us send each other nudes and talks about having sex with me when we meet and then turns around and gives me an ultimatum two days later by telling me I need to accept his relationship or he can no longer be my alpha? It’s like dude, you say you care but do you not realize that you are just abusing a friend over your relationship?

The worst part of that whole situation was watching a community congratulate him and encourage a relationship that he was abusing a fellow community member, it got me thinking, “If this really is what this community is about, why be part of it?”

You know, ever since Shawn, I swore to stop putting others first, to put myself first and stop compromising myself and letting people just do whatever they want to me and get no consequences for it. All my life I’ve done so much to appease others, even if my heart was telling me it was the wrong thing for me to do. People always telling me to let go and move on, when I did that with my ex I ended up falling in love with Shawn and he romanced scammed me. I was sitting there asking myself how taking this advice of letting go and moving on when it doesn’t feel right to me is doing me any good? How is it that I went from being left by my ex to falling for a romance scammer? How is this letting go and moving on advice making my life any better when it seems this advice is just taking me from one bad situation to the next?

You know, the one thing I wish people would understand of me is that I feel constantly like that 5 year old who was molested by my thirteen year old neighbor when he came up with this idea of us flashing each other and trying to grab each other’s private parts with tongs. He turned around and told my grandmother it was my idea and even though I kept telling her it wasn’t she still beat me for it. I felt so powerless and I had to watch him get away unscathed for what he did while I sat there being punished for his wrongdoing. All I kept thinking is “Why, why is this happening to me? Why am I being punished for what he did?” and since that incident I have asked that question every time someone has wronged me.

Take with Liam, I sit here in pain cause I just want my alpha back and things back the way they were before he even got into this relationship where he is abusing me. I’m sitting here asking this same question and also asking “Why is it for once in my life that all I want is for someone to do the right thing instead of me constantly going through this crap and sitting here over and over being in pain and getting more and more mentally damaged, why can’t me sitting here just wanting him to do what’s right be the right thing for once in my life?”

Same with Shawn, I just want him to do the right thing and keep his word about us dating, to actually give me an actual chance with him, I don’t care if the relationship doesn’t work out, it could or it couldn’t but it’s better than me sitting here wishing it would have happened and wondering what it would have been like to wake up in his arms and to hug him and kiss him.

But instead I just get made to feel wrong consistently by our society for just wanting the right thing done for once in my life, it doesn’t matter the situation, I sit here every day of my life feeling like that five year old child who was beaten for something he didn’t do and feeling powerless to stop me from being punished for the wrong someone else is doing.

It’s like, can people not understand that I am tired of constantly feeling like that? That I’m tired of feeling so powerless and watching people wrong me and get away with it as I suffer and they get nothing for it? How can I heal from something that happened to me at five years old when I can’t stop getting into situations where this stuff happens cause our society has deemed it appropriate and okay to do by normalizing it where no one gets consequences for what they do anymore?

I mean sit here day in and day out wondering why my parents even bothered disciplining me as a child and teaching me that when I do wrong I’ll get consequences for it cause I feel like they spent my entire childhood lying to me cause once you’re an adult people can get away with whatever they want and screw who gets hurt, course now thinking about it I guess me being molested and punished for it should have been a sign of things to come for me for the rest of my life.

I’m tired of things, Liam or Shawn, I just don’t care anymore which, I just want one of them to do the right thing. I’m done putting myself out there to constantly be hurt over and over when this just doesn’t feel right to me to just let this crap happen and not demand justice. I’m 33 years old and gonna be 34 in December and I’m dreading that day cause it’s just another reminder that my entire life has just been one hell hole after another.

I’ve dealt with so much since my childhood and I just want the rest of my life to be peaceful, I don’t want to sit here and constantly be hurt, getting more and more damaged in my mind by each new event. I just want to be happy and spend my rest of life with either dating Shawn or having Liam as my alpha, I don’t care which, but either one of those would make me happy but who cares about my happiness right? The wrongdoers are happy and that’s all that matters right? Screw their victims and the justice they want, right? Screw that this is messing me up in the head cause I was raised with morals, right?

I am just so tired of all the things we normalize these days and being made an evil obsessed person for just having morals and just tired of constantly reliving a past I so desperately want out of…